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From The Files of
Purdyville's
(Investigator at Large)
The Case of Ape-Man Teman
After my hair-raising and brilliant investigation into the dark and subversive life of Crazy Ivan, Chieftain of Purdyville, I thought a well-deserved vacation was headed my way. Like Tahiti, maybe. Someplace away from my office, and Purdyville, two locations where yearly bathing is the norm. Alas, I was in for a hard lesson. There is a reason why this place isn't Washington D.C. It is the same reason why this den of savagery is five miles beyond the last mark of civilization. It's the reason why my pay is so low, and I don't get paid vacations when I deserve them. I still haven't quite figured out what the reason is, but it's there.
Life here is no vacation. In fact, it seems, it is a life without vacation. But I didn't complain when the Boss-man waddled into my office and slapped a folder onto my desk, a folder far too thick to be the permission slip for my well-deserved quiet time. I didn't complain because, repugnant as Boss-man can be without a bath, he's cleaner than your squeaky clean aunt when compared to those governmental types down in D.C. Anytime I think of quitting my job as top snoop in this joint I remember my muckraking years down at the hill. Up here might not be the bastion of civilization, but we don't have drive-by shootings either.
I don't complain about my job, but maybe I would have if I'd known what I was getting into when the Boss-man gave me the case. We don't have greasy smiles or deranged interest groups up here, but there are some things in this wild land that a wise man doesn't get himself into. But I wasn't wise when that folder was laid on my desk.
"You got a job," Boss-man said. "A big one, so keep it hush-hush."
"What's that?" I said. "Testing the beaches of Tahiti?" Boss-man doesn't pick up on my hints.
"No," he said. "You heard of the Loch Ness monster?"
I told him I wasn't going to swim around in some muddy lake waiting for some monster to bite my backside.
"This is even better," Boss-man said, getting excited, rubbing his hands together. "We might have us the link to prehistoric humanity--Yeti, Abominable Snowmen, and those Neanderthal fellows. There have been reports of some such beast up around Purdyville. They call him Ape-Man Teman. I want you to go and check it out. See if we have a story here, right under our noses, or if it is all a hoax."
Then boss-man walked out of the room, leaving me with my mouth hanging open. I didn't even get a chance to tell him I might not want to find my long-lost relatives.
But I didn't have a choice, now. Boss-man had left, and I was stuck with the job. I looked over the file Boss-man had given me, and felt myself growing more uneasy with each piece of information. By the time I'd finished reading I was decidedly uncomfortable. For a moment I thought about quitting on the spot, but I gave it up quick-like. Better to go dig up the face of my past than go to D.C. and see the face of my future. Fortifying myself as best I could, I headed out toward Purdyville, hoping with all my heart that it was all just the biggest hoax mankind's pea-sized brain had ever invented.
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